this one time...

I failed. Not like failing angry birds level 42 for the 33rd time in a row. The devastating kind. I sat staring at the computer screen in utter disbelief. I failed?? UM... no. Couldn't of happend. Let me just hit refresh. Yup. 67 was staring, no blaring right back at me. I had to go back and review what had just happened in the last 5 minutes. I had gotten the email from RCM saying my mark was finally ready to be viewed. I RAN to the computer. I just knew I had passed. I started preparing myself for a 72 or 73 because I did know I would of just barely passed. I'd only waited what felt like the longest 3 weeks but in reality was maybe 5 years of anticipation for this mark.

and I failed?

Growing up my mother put me in piano lessons. It was just what happened. You turned 5, started kindergarten and began the weekly trek to Leavitt at ridiculously early hours every Tuesday morning. It took me 10 years to fall in love with music but when I did? I fell hard. I decided in high school to forget trying to claim I played basketball because lets be honest, the only reason I played in grades 7-9 was due to my early growth spurt where I was a foot taller then the rest of the girls in my class. I had no real skill. I decided to do my grade 9 piano exam instead of play high school ball with my friends because I somehow had that perspective to know that I wasn't going to be using my basketball skills later on in life that's for sure! I didn't make the decision to continue pursuing my certificates in piano until later on in grade twelve. When I told my mom, she scoffed at the idea. Yeahhhh right was probably more of her thoughts. It's good to have goals but lets be real. You hated piano. It's true, I did. I truly and utterly did. I haaaated this thing that stole away my childhood because while other children were running and playing outside I was glued to my piano bench until I had finished playing my songs each 3 times which equaled about 45 minutes at the rate I played. I would usually whine, complain, scream, cry, throw a fit, try and sneak away, rip up my books, hide my books religiously, you name it? I did it. The point I'm getting at here is I never really tried.  My mother got me what talent I did. She pushed me to practice, drove through blizzards to lessons, insisted on piano exams each year and rewarded us with a dinner at any restaurant of our choosing afterwards which was a BIG deal growing up because we neverrrrr ate out. never. ever. Point is she supported, disciplined, believed in and worked me to get the talent I have now. 

So fast forward, or rewind I guess, to June 2011. A friend in my ward had gotten engaged and their wedding was June 11th and I was SO excited to shoot their wedding. My advanced pedagogy exam was just 2 days later. I knew it was a recipe for disaster potentially but if I knew if I prepared myself in time I could easily do both no problem. The problem is I didn't prepare. I crammed. I was pulling 4-5 hr practice days in late May. If any of you are familiar with studying upper level piano music is you can NOT cram. I didn't even try til it was too late. I gave it my ALL just too little too late. Not to go all jojo on you but it's the truth. I deluded myself to think I had done enough. I had scraped up enough practice time to at least pull a pass. I wasn't looking for honors, first class with distinction or nothing, I was only hoping for a pass. Is that too much to ask? 

First, I was angry. LIVID. annoyed. embarrassed. hurt. sad. then finally accepting. This didn't happen in the span of a week it took months. I'm still barely into the acceptance stage now. 

So what does this have to do with me now? Everything. It's defined who I have and still am trying to become. 

Failing that exam has become the best thing that I wish I never let happen to me. It was devastating. One of the hardest things I brought upon myself and then had to overcome but what came later was the greatest thing that has happened to me. Drive, desire and discipline. I've made decisions in my life now that are going to help not hinder the goals I set for myself. This morning I laid in bed for an hour and it was GLORIOUS. I then rolled out of bed and began practicing. I've practiced more in the last 4 months (consistently) then I probably have in the last 14 years. I know the reason why I failed was my own doing. I do not want to fail on my dreams ever again. So I really believe that all I need to do is try. I'm going to try to blog more, put myself out there more, try to take more pictures and see things in a new light every day. I'm going to try being a photographer. I'm going to try and get uncomfortable and try to not settle. 

I'm gonna try because what's the worse that could happen? I fail? Been there. done that! Maybe it could be the best thing that I wish never happened to me. Either way I really do believe it's better to of tried and failed then to of never tried at all. 

yup. that's my piano. In all it's disorganized chaotic glory.